Yeah… to heighten the mood for Singapore International Marathon on 4 December, I have further extracted a few passages from the following book. This time, it is about “how to train” a marathon -- humorously.
.
One thing for sure that the road from Bukit Aman en route to Sri Hartamas via the rich neighborhood of Bukit Tengku (Kenny Hills) is without any bars for drinking. It would be good, however, if any of the runner’s extra-marital lover's home is nearby so that we can just detour for some pit stops either to request for drinking water or to answer nature’s call – basic facility which is lacking along the running route.
.
Though there are much more techniques that the book described, the following passages were written with lots of humour. Read on …
Extracted from the book How to Run a Marathon
By Tony Benyon and Kevin Macey’s
Practising Techniques
During a marathon you will need two main skills. Firstly you must know how to pick up a plastic beaker full of water and drink from it while running. And secondly you must always concentrate on running and not on what is going on around you. The former can be rehearsed with a friend who is prepared to be half drowned. The same good friend can also help you by pretending to be a television interviewer asking you banal questions while you are running. The best way to deal with such a nuisance is to maintain an icy stare ahead while driving a clenched fist into the interviewer's midriff.
The next problem will be coping with demonstrators who may try to block the path of the race for some political reason. Never sympathise with them or stop to sign a petition; just drive your knees forwards into their tenderest parts while stiffly elbowing them out of your way. Once again, you will need a friend to help you as it is almost impossible to rehearse this movement on your own.
Finally, you may experience insulting shouts of abuse from members of the crowd on race day. It is essential never to waste energy by losing your temper. Practise keeping your cool by having your friends shout insults at you. No doubt they will be eager to comply after the way you have just been treating them.
Training Routes
First-time runners should measure their initial training routes in time and not distance and preferably minutes not seconds. It is then possible to increase the time gradually until confidence builds to a point where the routes can be measured in miles. Several routes should be plotted to provide a mixture of short and long ones.
When plotting your routes remember you may be using them regularly. It is wise to avoid roads that take a considerable time to cross and, if you are an amply built young lady, it is advisable to avoid running past an open prison unless you don't blush.
The ideal route should avoid stopping and starting and such places as your favourite bar, restaurant or extra-marital lover's home. You should also by-pass people and shops to whom you owe money or think you may owe money to in the future; similarly the homes of ex-marriage partners, lovers and victims of crimes you have committed.
Try to run on open ground away from human habitation. If you are running through a nice suburban area or even a part of town where street crimes regularly take place, the police will immediately assume you are escaping from the scene of some illegal act and, after dragging you to the ground, they will take you to the police station in curls for questioning.''
Cars
Cars are almost as great a danger to runners as dogs. You may be harmlessly running along a pavement when suddenly the door of a parked car flies open causing you to crash into it. While you are lying on the ground counting stars, the owner of the vehicle will be frothing at the mouth demanding to know the name of your insurance company because the bone sticking out of your shoulder has scratched the paintwork.
Drunken drivers are the worst. They have the habit of pursuing you down country lanes and up grass embankments, all the while laughing like maniacs behind the wheel. They are also accurate shots with beer cans which they aim at your head. One of the sights they seem to enjoy most is of runners hurling themselves through plate glass windows in an attempt to escape.
Some running experts will tell you it is advisable to wear white or light clothing at night to make yourself easily seen by oncoming drivers. Beware! Light colours only make you a more identifiable target.
In addition to running you into the ground, drivers have another method for eliminating runners; it's called carbon monoxide. The deadly gas is pumped directly out of the car's exhaust straight into your lungs. A mask does offer some protection, but running along the street wearing a mask will cause you to be coshed to the ground by the police. Even worse, you may be chased by a police dog handler.
On Seeing God
Many people claim that on certain runs they have achieved a state of perfect bliss or ecstasy, and that on rare occasions they have been warmed by what can best be described as a spiritual or religious experience. Such statements have resulted in other people usually more at home with a joint taking up running. Their main hope is to reach a level of mind-blowing euphoria.
Such is the reason why many weirdos and loonies are attracted to running. It has been suggested by more serious runners that licenses should be provided for runners only after a psychiatric report gives them a clean bill of health. Others believe the damage is done after they have taken up running, because of the constant jogging and shaking the brain experiences.
However, there is little doubt a 'high' can be achieved by certain runners in the right circumstances. For example, when the mind and a physically perfect body reach a glorious balance, a sensation of being able to run and run forever hand in hand with God fills the runner's consciousness. Or when a very average runner happens to be running past a glue factory when it is on maximum production and the wind is in the right direction.
Extracted from the book How to Run a Marathon
By Tony Benyon and Kevin Macey’s
Practising Techniques
During a marathon you will need two main skills. Firstly you must know how to pick up a plastic beaker full of water and drink from it while running. And secondly you must always concentrate on running and not on what is going on around you. The former can be rehearsed with a friend who is prepared to be half drowned. The same good friend can also help you by pretending to be a television interviewer asking you banal questions while you are running. The best way to deal with such a nuisance is to maintain an icy stare ahead while driving a clenched fist into the interviewer's midriff.
The next problem will be coping with demonstrators who may try to block the path of the race for some political reason. Never sympathise with them or stop to sign a petition; just drive your knees forwards into their tenderest parts while stiffly elbowing them out of your way. Once again, you will need a friend to help you as it is almost impossible to rehearse this movement on your own.
Finally, you may experience insulting shouts of abuse from members of the crowd on race day. It is essential never to waste energy by losing your temper. Practise keeping your cool by having your friends shout insults at you. No doubt they will be eager to comply after the way you have just been treating them.
Training Routes
First-time runners should measure their initial training routes in time and not distance and preferably minutes not seconds. It is then possible to increase the time gradually until confidence builds to a point where the routes can be measured in miles. Several routes should be plotted to provide a mixture of short and long ones.
When plotting your routes remember you may be using them regularly. It is wise to avoid roads that take a considerable time to cross and, if you are an amply built young lady, it is advisable to avoid running past an open prison unless you don't blush.
The ideal route should avoid stopping and starting and such places as your favourite bar, restaurant or extra-marital lover's home. You should also by-pass people and shops to whom you owe money or think you may owe money to in the future; similarly the homes of ex-marriage partners, lovers and victims of crimes you have committed.
Try to run on open ground away from human habitation. If you are running through a nice suburban area or even a part of town where street crimes regularly take place, the police will immediately assume you are escaping from the scene of some illegal act and, after dragging you to the ground, they will take you to the police station in curls for questioning.''
Cars
Cars are almost as great a danger to runners as dogs. You may be harmlessly running along a pavement when suddenly the door of a parked car flies open causing you to crash into it. While you are lying on the ground counting stars, the owner of the vehicle will be frothing at the mouth demanding to know the name of your insurance company because the bone sticking out of your shoulder has scratched the paintwork.
Drunken drivers are the worst. They have the habit of pursuing you down country lanes and up grass embankments, all the while laughing like maniacs behind the wheel. They are also accurate shots with beer cans which they aim at your head. One of the sights they seem to enjoy most is of runners hurling themselves through plate glass windows in an attempt to escape.
Some running experts will tell you it is advisable to wear white or light clothing at night to make yourself easily seen by oncoming drivers. Beware! Light colours only make you a more identifiable target.
In addition to running you into the ground, drivers have another method for eliminating runners; it's called carbon monoxide. The deadly gas is pumped directly out of the car's exhaust straight into your lungs. A mask does offer some protection, but running along the street wearing a mask will cause you to be coshed to the ground by the police. Even worse, you may be chased by a police dog handler.
On Seeing God
Many people claim that on certain runs they have achieved a state of perfect bliss or ecstasy, and that on rare occasions they have been warmed by what can best be described as a spiritual or religious experience. Such statements have resulted in other people usually more at home with a joint taking up running. Their main hope is to reach a level of mind-blowing euphoria.
Such is the reason why many weirdos and loonies are attracted to running. It has been suggested by more serious runners that licenses should be provided for runners only after a psychiatric report gives them a clean bill of health. Others believe the damage is done after they have taken up running, because of the constant jogging and shaking the brain experiences.
However, there is little doubt a 'high' can be achieved by certain runners in the right circumstances. For example, when the mind and a physically perfect body reach a glorious balance, a sensation of being able to run and run forever hand in hand with God fills the runner's consciousness. Or when a very average runner happens to be running past a glue factory when it is on maximum production and the wind is in the right direction.
Next, the effect of marathon running on your SEX life and SOCIAL life.
No comments:
Post a Comment